For real now.

How to I start?  I have so many things to write about and so little organization of my thoughts.  It's been a hell of a year (in a bad way).  Just thinking about writing about it kills me a little bit inside.  I could've chosen to write this entry in Spanish, but I don't want to have to deal with all the symbols on the keyboard.   I want to tell my story, a love story but with an UNHAPPY ending.  Here I go. (Disclaimer: it gets dark at the end, kinda)

11 years ago I met this guy... 
we were in college.  Back then, my life had no particular shape.  I was, what? 19?  Something like that.  I was already going out with this other guy (who was a complete psycho), but I decided to end things and met my ex boyfriend (whom, for the sake of this entry we'll call Reaper).  Reaper was also just leaving a relationship of his own, if I'm not mistaken they lasted 2 years together.  He said he liked me but he needed about 2 months to get over her and become serious with me, which I thought was somewhat mature (but remember I was like 19, and he was like 22).  2 months passed and he asked the question, I said "Yes, I wanna be your girlfriend."  And let's not forget that Reaper wasn't really much of my type -if I had a type anyways- but he was something totally new.  He was smart, serious but funny, had an Americanized form of living, giving that part of his family is from New York.  He was bilingual, had a car, went to college and had goals.  So he easily became attractive to me.  I fell for him rather quickly and spent a lot of time with him, we used to meet in front of the beach every now and then.  That was our spot.

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He was lying to me. 
So remember I mentioned he had an ex-girlfriend?  They were talking, they were secretly meeting because of course they spent 2 years together and now I was in the picture.  I felt betrayed when I found out.  She was getting used to showing up unannounced at 1am, 2am... and one of those nights I was there and did the math.  He admitted that they talked frequently because she was having a hard time with her process of letting go.  And oh!  How I understand her now.  I should've ended things right there and then with him.  

I remember crying and feeling confused at that moment.  I felt like he was going to leave me and go back to her.  But he kept his promise and years later, she wasn't in the picture anymore.  But the damage was done.  I sort of lost respect for him.

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Years passed.
I made a friend over MySpace (yes, MySpace) and he became a close one, even though it was mostly online.  This online guy got me perfectly.  He understood me and I him.  Well, Reaper didn't take that smoothly and the relationship began to fall apart, kinda. 

Lets pause, let me describe myself for a second.  I am not a girly girl, I'd rather have the company of a dude than a female.  I mean, I have girl friends but it is easy for me to become friend with a guy.  Also, I'm an introvert.  

So, I had a couple of guy friends, but this online best friend of mine was everything to me at that point in my life.  I kinda fell for him in some way, but that's another story.  When things went down again in my relationship I fell hard.  I needed Reaper because in that moment we had moved to another college and we needed to travel and I would go with him.  So when I decided to end the relationship back then, it was hard to let go because of the necessity.  I almost quit college because I had no car and no job, ergo no money.  Why did things end back then?  Well, I had no friends, I felt lonely most of the time.  My friends were Reaper's friends for the most part.  I felt like I belonged nowhere.  So Reaper found himself a lady friend and went out a couple of times and I got depressed and started taking pills to calm myself down.  My online friend would stay up with me making sure I was fine, I ended up leaving the pills and going back to Reaper.

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Oops I did it again.
As we resumed the relationship I was already too changed to be the same.  I became more my own being and less of "the girlfriend type" and I started pulling towards me and to grow this resentment.  I thought well this relationship doesn't feel the same anymore and I still feel kind of lonely.  Reaper had a new set of female friends and I didn't feel comfortable enough to accept it.

Let's pause again.  I can be insecure at times, or I used to be anyways.  I've been through so much and I've never felt mature or pretty enough.  

So, what do I do?  I ended things.  I met my online best friend in person and went back to pills and drunken nights.  I discovered alcohol and it was amazing.  This time I didn't feel so alone, I was starting to grow up.  It is important to mention this happened approximately 5 or 6 years into the relationship with Reaper.  Well, things didn't work out well with my ex best friend for a reason I will explain and honor on another entry, so I sort of ended the friendship with him as well.  Which lead to a deep depression and then finally I ended up going back to Reaper again.  

It was almost like a pattern, where I would feel insecure and end the relationship, then cry about it for a couple of weeks and went back to him.

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A good couple of years.
Or at least that's how they seemed.  This time everything felt more serious.  I changed majors from Natural Sciences to Web Design, we gave the relationship one more go and I felt more mature overall.  But everything changed when my sister passed away and sadness, debt and misery was surrounding my family.  This is when my mom, niece and I decided to sell the house (which was a miracle due to the economy) and left the island.  I left Reaper behind, not really knowing what was going to happen.  I transferred my credits to another university, got myself a nice job.  We were doing great!  Reaper would travel at least every 2 months to see me and then his family decided to move here too.  So once he graduated from college they all moved.  

He got a job, he bought a car, he gave me his previous car.  I had a good job, he had his.  However, our relationship never progressed.  We kept going on vacations, buying stupid shit, wasting money.  No ring on my finger, no commitment.  Not that I needed a ring, but we never even moved in together.  We bought a $1700 dog (yes dog) (which he kept because he paid for it)... *sad* (I miss that dog like crazy)

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We took one last vacation together.
Due to a medical event with a Reaper's family member, we decided to go see him.  He left a couple of days before I did.  I was feeling depressed when this happened, because I was already feeling that loneliness again.  That sense of not belonging , of not being enough.  Why was this guy I've spent more than a decade with prefers to buy a dog than a ring?  

Well I arrived and I had planned to meet with one of my friends from school.  Reaper had his whole trip planned around his own head so I never got to see my friends, but no worries because we got to see his!  I, once again, felt lonely.  Upon arriving back home I went out with some friends and I was supposed to go to his parents apartment to stay with him but I was too drunk so I never went.  We had a fight and I took it as an opportunity to end things again.

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Shit went down.
Reaper felt jealous of a male friend I made over the internet.  I will admit, as a person in a long term relationship, I shouldn't have spent the time or attention on other guy just because I felt lonely.  But the reason for ending it was not this guy.   I loved Reaper with all of my heart and it hurt me like crazy when we broke up.  He begged and I said no.  Communication was fading, and then one day a couple of weeks after he told me he'd met someone.  I will confess it hurt me, but I felt relieved for him because I knew he was going to heal a lot faster.  

But one night, while I was at work I had a panic attack after I saw him with this girl on a picture on his Facebook.  I called him and he didn't answer.  I knew he was with her.  It was breaking me.  It was more serious than I thought.  I called his mom, she confirmed it.  She noticed I was pretty much done and told me to meet with her downstairs because this girl was there.  So I went and she told me that the girl already spent nights over (sleeping in the bed I used to sleep in).  Reaper's mom's words were crushing me like nothing ever did before.


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I lost him.
He came down and pretty much repeated what his mom told me.  I asked him:  Do you ever see yourself in a relationship with me again?  He said: No.  I said:  Get out of the car (at least 20 times before he actually did).

AND THEN IT HIT ME.  I was his ex.  I was doing exactly what his ex did 11 years ago when he met me, and he was doing the same shit he did with her, this time with me.  He would text me every day to see how I was doing, even though he was going out with this girl.  

I came home in tears and spent the next 24 hours crying, nonstop.  My eyes hurt, my head hurt, my body hurt.  The tip of my fucking fingers hurt.  I was shaking the whole time.  I didn't eat for 3 days.  

His texts kept coming.  He even gave me a late anniversary gift?  I was confused.  I asked him repeatedly to just leave.  In order for me to heal completely I needed him out of my life.  He refused to disappear.  But then he gave up, and he told me part of him didn't want to marry me because he was afraid that I was going to leave him (and I left him because he didn't want to marry me, so what a fucking stupid vicious cycle) and he also told me he had made this girl his girlfriend already. 

That was my queue.  I erased him from everything.  I cried.  11 years and nothing happened.

Self esteem?  0
Pride as a woman?  0

I felt devastated.  My chest hurt.  I was broken in such a way.
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I quit my job.  I slept for days.  I went out a couple of times.  I met a guy, but I realized I am not ready for anything romantically.  I kind of hate the idea of love and relationships right now.  

11 years.  No marriage, no kids, no house.  Single as fuck, unaccomplished as fuck.

Time will heal you...
Is what everybody tells me.  I've thought of suicide, yes.  I am not scared of death anymore, I've felt enough pain.  But I think I still have a bit of strength within my bones.  I live in a nervous state, always anxious, always about to cry.  Always overthinking, always hiding my tears.  I am alienating from friends, from the outside world.  Conjugal love doesn't really have a meaning to me anymore.  I know exactly what I should do, but being depressed it's a hell of a ride.  Feeling like you weren't enough for the person you loved for a decade is the worst thing I've ever felt.  

But I gathered some will and looked for a better job, with better benefits, pay and schedule.  I am slowly starting over and setting up small goals.  I'm getting to know myself.  

I am now single, I have no kids, I have a job and a lot of time.  I am young, smart and beautiful in my own ways.  

Time won't heal, but effort will.  Good luck out there!  Life sucks until it doesn't anymore.



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