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DISTURBED SOUL-no more

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"Today I heal.  I accept and love myself.  I am a wonderful person.  Not perfect.
My storms are controlled, I know myself a little bit more now. 
I don't need to look for anyone to fill any holes in my "heart".  I'm smart enough to know that now."

That feeling I had when I listened to a sad song, I don't have it anymore.  I enjoy silence, but I talk more.  This journey is really turning into a magical quest.  Somewhat addictive.  I have so much room for improvement, to better myself.  A new opportunity to become who I want to become.  I don't want to be lazy anymore.  I want to be healthy - emotionally and physically- and enjoy life the way I've always wanted to.  I will reach out to my friends, I will make new friends, I will have no space for enemies, for drama, for negativity.  It's a new life!

But also, I wish I would forget your name like I forgot your face.  Maybe someday you'll disappear from my memories entirely.  I can't wai…

Friends?

I guess how I feel is just a part of the experience of being human.  I don’t think there is a human being that feels completely happy or fulfilled, right?  At least I hope so.   You know… we might attract everything we think about, so maybe my present was requested.  Or maybe not.  At this point I’m just trying to survive and be happy with who I am and with what –who– I have. 

Even the thought of making new friends is exhausting to me.  But, why do I feel lonely?  If I’m not willing to make an effort to go out there and meet people (not even online at this point) then I don’t deserve to have friends.  I know this isn’t true, everybody deserves at least one true friend. 

Friendship is something I used to value so much, up until the moment when I was the only one invested in the relationship.  It should take two people to tango, but some people take it for granted.   I used to have close friends, people who knew me.  These so-called friends knew my secrets, my mistakes, my tears and my ev…

Entonces, ¿Quién era él?

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¿Cómo alguien con quien compartí tantos años se convirtió en un extraño?  Ahora solamente tengo pregunta tras pregunta.  Y no tan solo me cuestiono mi propia identidad sino la de él.  ¿Será que al ser pareja de alguien nos convertimos en personas distintas?  Yo pensé que era feliz hasta cierto punto, también pensé que lo hacía feliz.

Estamos tan equivocados con el significado de felicidad.  Pensamos que es adquirida y estable.  La realidad es que ser - o sentir - lo que es felicidad es un sentimiento momentáneo, casi irreal.

Hubo risas y momentos felices.  Hubo momentos en los que no me importaba nadamás que hacerlo feliz a él.  Error.  ¿Error? Sí.  Me perdí en mi propia cabeza.  ¿Lo haría denuevo? No.  Pasé todos mis veintes sometida a una relación que no llegó a nada y que al final me dejó sin identidad.  El dolor que yo sentí al no tener certeza de quien era yo, de quien era él y a dónde llegaríamos nunca lo quiero volver a sentir.  Cuando todo terminó, cuando yo terminé con todo, me…

For real now.

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How to I start?  I have so many things to write about and so little organization of my thoughts.  It's been a hell of a year (in a bad way).  Just thinking about writing about it kills me a little bit inside.  I could've chosen to write this entry in Spanish, but I don't want to have to deal with all the symbols on the keyboard.   I want to tell my story, a love story but with an UNHAPPY ending.  Here I go. (Disclaimer: it gets dark at the end, kinda)

11 years ago I met this guy...  we were in college.  Back then, my life had no particular shape.  I was, what? 19?  Something like that.  I was already going out with this other guy (who was a complete psycho), but I decided to end things and met my ex boyfriend (whom, for the sake of this entry we'll call Reaper).  Reaper was also just leaving a relationship of his own, if I'm not mistaken they lasted 2 years together.  He said he liked me but he needed about 2 months to get over her and become serious with me, which …

Facilidad

"...pasa como agua en un río... natural, suave... le pasa por encima a las rocas y las suaviza con el paso también."

Am I wrong?

I quit my job because I was super unhappy about it.  I HATED driving there, looking for a parking space, logging in, lying to people, logging out and driving back home.  Don't get me entirely wrong, I apprecited having a job, but I was so UNHAPPY.  So I resigned my position one random day and I drove to the nearest beach.  I drove and drove, I cried a little.  I had no plan.  What would be next?  I don't effing know!  I still don't know!  But I feel better now.  I am looking for the job of my dreams.  But, what is it?  What could it be?! Tutoring?  Virtual assistance? Translation?  Was I wrong for quitting without a plan?  I feel like it isn't because I'm free now.  But I am looking for a new adventure...

The Cocker Spaniel I had? Or...

So when I was like 7 years old I swear I had a golden Cocker Spaniel.  By the time this happened, and the time I discovered I never had one, I didn't know of the existence of multiple dimensions, realities and Mandela Effects.  All I remember is having this dog, having her outside, a rainy day and having her for a couple of days and then someone apparently stole her.  I even cried.

A couple of years after, I was maybe 17 we were talking about dogs and I said: "Oh yeah I had a Cocker Spaniel once, she was golden", and I proceeded to describe her features.  And my mom replied with: "You've never had a Cocker Spaniel..."

What???  I remember having this dog and I remember the pain I felt when it was taken from me, and I also remember my brother telling me: "It's ok, you'll have other dogs".  None of my friends at the time remember.  I left that memory alone until now.  Now it all makes sense.

My memory it's too detailed to be a dream.  And…