Entonces, ¿Quién era él?

¿Cómo alguien con quien compartí tantos años se convirtió en un extraño?  Ahora solamente tengo pregunta tras pregunta.  Y no tan solo me cuestiono mi propia identidad sino la de él.  ¿Será que al ser pareja de alguien nos convertimos en personas distintas?  Yo pensé que era feliz hasta cierto punto, también pensé que lo hacía feliz.

Estamos tan equivocados con el significado de felicidad.  Pensamos que es adquirida y estable.  La realidad es que ser - o sentir - lo que es felicidad es un sentimiento momentáneo, casi irreal.

Hubo risas y momentos felices.  Hubo momentos en los que no me importaba nadamás que hacerlo feliz a él.  Error.  ¿Error? Sí.  Me perdí en mi propia cabeza.  ¿Lo haría denuevo? No.  Pasé todos mis veintes sometida a una relación que no llegó a nada y que al final me dejó sin identidad.  El dolor que yo sentí al no tener certeza de quien era yo, de quien era él y a dónde llegaríamos nunca lo quiero volver a sentir.  Cuando todo terminó, cuando yo terminé con todo, me…

For real now.

How to I start?  I have so many things to write about and so little organization of my thoughts.  It's been a hell of a year (in a bad way).  Just thinking about writing about it kills me a little bit inside.  I could've chosen to write this entry in Spanish, but I don't want to have to deal with all the symbols on the keyboard.   I want to tell my story, a love story but with an UNHAPPY ending.  Here I go. (Disclaimer: it gets dark at the end, kinda)

11 years ago I met this guy...  we were in college.  Back then, my life had no particular shape.  I was, what? 19?  Something like that.  I was already going out with this other guy (who was a complete psycho), but I decided to end things and met my ex boyfriend (whom, for the sake of this entry we'll call Reaper).  Reaper was also just leaving a relationship of his own, if I'm not mistaken they lasted 2 years together.  He said he liked me but he needed about 2 months to get over her and become serious with me, which …


"...pasa como agua en un río... natural, suave... le pasa por encima a las rocas y las suaviza con el paso también."

Am I wrong?

I quit my job because I was super unhappy about it.  I HATED driving there, looking for a parking space, logging in, lying to people, logging out and driving back home.  Don't get me entirely wrong, I apprecited having a job, but I was so UNHAPPY.  So I resigned my position one random day and I drove to the nearest beach.  I drove and drove, I cried a little.  I had no plan.  What would be next?  I don't effing know!  I still don't know!  But I feel better now.  I am looking for the job of my dreams.  But, what is it?  What could it be?! Tutoring?  Virtual assistance? Translation?  Was I wrong for quitting without a plan?  I feel like it isn't because I'm free now.  But I am looking for a new adventure...

The Cocker Spaniel I had? Or...

So when I was like 7 years old I swear I had a golden Cocker Spaniel.  By the time this happened, and the time I discovered I never had one, I didn't know of the existence of multiple dimensions, realities and Mandela Effects.  All I remember is having this dog, having her outside, a rainy day and having her for a couple of days and then someone apparently stole her.  I even cried.

A couple of years after, I was maybe 17 we were talking about dogs and I said: "Oh yeah I had a Cocker Spaniel once, she was golden", and I proceeded to describe her features.  And my mom replied with: "You've never had a Cocker Spaniel..."

What???  I remember having this dog and I remember the pain I felt when it was taken from me, and I also remember my brother telling me: "It's ok, you'll have other dogs".  None of my friends at the time remember.  I left that memory alone until now.  Now it all makes sense.

My memory it's too detailed to be a dream.  And…

Reality Shifting

Last night I felt it.  I felt my body jumping to another reality.  I felt scared for a second, literally a second.  Then I knew everything was OK.  After I felt that, my body started to hurt a little bit.  My back, neck and arms were the main parts of my body that were hurting the most.  But I knew it was alright.  I felt a sense of reassurance, and this feeling I've had twice this month.  It feels good, I feel sure of who I am and what I'm capable of.  But, last night was different.

I was probably very sensitive from watching a Netflix series (about NDEs, angels and a greater purpose) all day.  My brain was still processing all that information and images, which I personally think was very well directed and produced.  So, I went to bed to Family Guy and American Dad to ease my mind a little bit with laughter an nonsense.

I must have been dreaming about something intense because I felt myself asleep, or trying to, and then, out of the blue, I felt like I got out of my body an…


If somehow you're reading this, is because you are supposed to be reading it.  I don't have followers, so I don't know how you found me, but here you are.  You can get to know a version of me by reading my blogs.  This version of me is raw, fragile, vulnerable and simple.  Most of the things I write here I never speak out, this is the whole point of the blog.

However, this version of me is not the only version of me there is.  No, I don't have multiple personalities, or at least I've never been told so.  But, I like to think of my writing time as my spirit being at its most basic state.  Like, when I write, it doesn't matter what reality or universe I'm living at -physically- my spirit is always the ONE.  Like all universes synchronize in one ME to put stuff in sentences.

I'm, somehow, very into this world of parallel universes, reality shifts and infinite possibilities.  It's a fatal attraction, can't help it.  A month ago I re-watched The Se…